Tag Archives: positive attitude

The New Cheese

Negative Nelly, Complaining Clarie, and Gloomy Gus…

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They are contagious, you know. In fact, they are some of the most virulent agents of ill that are completely undocumented by the CDC or FDA or any other official sounding acronym that I could come up with to illustrate the point. While I’m pretty certain that a Perpetually Positive Polly would spark homicidal rage in the most stable of breasts, treading too long in the dark is draining, exhausting, and just not productive.

Negative Nelly

Can often be found hanging out with her buddy Debbie Downer. She and Debbie can find the cloud around every silver lining. Nothing can brighten their bad day. Nothing suits them quite so well as being able to share something horrible about someone who has had a run of good fortune. Prognosticators of pussilescence, they will be the first to predict misfortune and a downturn of luck when things are going well. They never have a good word to say about anyone, and while they are always willing to share all the juiciest gossip (especially if it is bad news), they are not the group in which you want to confide… since their next news story might be about you! 

Complaining Clarie

Quick to point out all the flaws, Clarie can spot all the ways that something can and will go wrong. Clarie’s glass is always half empty… if not entirely dry. Without fail, CC will always doubt the potential of any plan. She will find every single hole and stumbling block along the path… Not so bad, you say? Maybe not. We all need someone who can be devil’s advocate and plan for the potentiality of failure, but she’s not so forth-coming with the solutions. For CC, it’s not so much the potential, but the eventual, and she is absolutely certain about negative outcome. Clarie also likes to complain about her situation, the behavior of others, and the general condition of her surroundings, but she is completely uninterested in the contributed solutions of friends, colleagues, or family, Offered options are often met with “Yeah… but…” It’s like she doesn’t want anything to improve… she just wants to bitch about it. Finding the failure and pain points is all well and good Clarie, but how do you suggest we fix it?!?

Gloomy Gus

Bless his heart. He’s the workplace version of Eeyore. Not so bad a character, but after a while, hearing about how everything is going to go to hell in  handbasket can get a little rough on the ears. Everything is always horrible, and Gus never has anything good to report. Whether it is his work performance or his physical aches and pains, he will regale any unfortunate listener with all the depressing details. I don’t know that Gus is just deliberately trying to sabotage a positive workplace, but he’s enough to suck the life out of everyone around him. Much like CC, Gus isn’t interested in your advice for how he might alter his own circumstances. He prefers to wallow in his own misery… and he wants to share that misery with company. He’s his own worst enemy, and he can’t figure out why no one wants to go on break with him.

Solution Sally (Marginal Member of the Negativity Collective)

She’s the antithesis to Clarie and all her complaints. Sally is always telling you how to do it better… But that isn’t such a bad thing to have a person who is always looking for the way to fix things, is it? Sally isn’t so bad, most of the time. Where our solution-seeking gal (or guy) becomes a potentially less than positive influence is when there isn’t anything that needs fixing. You know the saying, “If it ain’t broke…” Well, our gal Sal doesn’t even notice that things are working, she always sees a different way, though not always better, and she’s quick to jump in and tell you how her way is the best way, even when no one asked. We love solutions, Sally, but listening is an important skill to embrace before trying to fix something that isn’t broken.

Hanging around with these people too much can lead you to a convalescence in the Bitter Barn. Trust me, you do not want a permanent bunk in there. The accommodations are pretty poor and comfort levels are abysmal. Of course, that is how the regulars like it… always something to complain about, right?

The truth is that sometimes it is really hard to stay positive. When things are stressful and just not going your way, the simplest thing in the world is to dive into  morose sense of the futility… and of course bitch about it. We’ve all done it (except for PPP… and she’s just a little too chipper for everyone). There are just times when the day… or week… maybe year… just sucks. We get down. We get cranky. Sometimes, we get angry. It’s ok. Those are human emotions and natural responses to aversive stimuli and unpleasant situations. It’s not fun or enjoyable, and I think most people would find it completely acceptable for any normal human being to have those emotional responses. It’s also quite natural to vent and share our displeasure verbally. However, there is a time and place for everything… and a limit.

Negativity is one of those things that has a contradictory nature of sharing. For some negative impact issues, bottling up our emotional responses can create something like an affective abscess that bursts at inconvenient times or stews and simmers to grow into other problems down the road. On the other hand, venting can sometimes be a self-feeding spiral that just drags the person sharing into a more and more negative mood… not to mention either coloring the mood of listeners or just alienating everyone (remember what I said about the contagion factor). It’s a fine line.

So, when is it ok? And when is enough… enough? First of all, remember your environment and your audience. While honesty is generally the best policy, lambasting the boss in front of other leadership personnel may not be the best strategy for continued employment. Additionally, while everyone understands the occasional dissatisfaction inspired complaint, a continual diatribe without any contributing solutions may not be appreciated in work or social settings. Watercooler talk or an afterwork social gathering is always subject to the occasional griping, but no one wants to hear constant negativity.

How can you tell if you are becoming one of the negativity tribe? One key factor that can clue you into the “enough is enough” point is when the venting doesn’t make you feel any better. We’ve all had those moments where faced with a frustrating or infuriating set of circumstances, we just want to fly loose with “!@#(&%)!@$~@#!”  In the normal course of events, your friend, partner, or sympathetic coworker responds with, “Feel better now?” and if done correctly, the answer should be, “Yes.” That is venting. It lets off the steam that had built up to explosive levels. Once the pressure has been released, it clears the system for more productive focus. The danger of chronic or constant venting is that there is no cathartic feeling of “Aaaah that feels a little better after saying it.” With the continued diatribe or spewing of vindictive spleen, the spewer and the spewee just feel worse and worse with each instance… and each passing moment. Sometimes this conversation can degenerate into one-upmanship or “you think that’s bad?” and from there it’s is race to see who can be the most negative. This is a pretty good indication that venting is not therapeutic or helpful any longer.

So what to do? Suppressing emotions just because they are not the happy peppy ones isn’t healthy, but feeding the darker emotions with continual negative energy isn’t good either. Having someone who is safe to process stuff with is a treasure. Don’t abuse them. Make sure that if a friend, partner, or trusted coworker is willing to listen that you give them the same courtesy and do not monopolize that avenue of communication. Also, how do you know that you are talking to Nelly, Clarie, or Gus… if you consistently feel drained and exhausted after every interaction, it’s probably one of these folks from the Bitter Barn. Best defense is changing subjects, but when all else fails, walk away. Use your own energy to fuel something more positive instead of letting it be drained away by the perpetually negative.

Stay encouraged and curious, folks, and stay out of the Bitter Barn!

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Psychological Loofah

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One of the things that I have finally figured out, after years and years of completely going about things in the wrong way, is that we all need people in our lives that add to it. Now, by adding I do not mean adding drama, or financial drain, or stress, or emotional turmoil. I mean that everyone needs people in their lives who add something positive to it.

Sometimes, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they add anything. It may be that they take things away. They remove negativity. They remove stress. They remove the dark, nasty cloud that hangs over the head.

During the course of day to day living, most people tend to build up what might be considered a film of nasty, grimy unpleasantness that is picked up from the world. It isn’t that the world is a completely horrible place, but going about the activities of work and interacting with humanity at large generally opens us up to things that are not always pleasant. This might be project deadlines, rush hour traffic, the weather, the bad mood of some other person who has surpassed their aggregate limit of @#$%s to give, or it could just be that we woke up on the wrong side of the bed and things went downhill from there.

In the modern age, we also have a smorgasbord of media that bombards us with negativity. It seems that our “news” agencies flood the ether with the most flamboyantly negative crap they can dig up. Have you ever noticed that a good many of the “reporters” out there can take even the most positive instance imaginable and spin it into horror story? I know. Good vibes don’t sell ads and airtime, but still, it just takes a special kind of miserable to conjure up some ugly for every ray of sunshine. I guess they are crying all the way to the bank, but it just seems an unpleasant way to make a living.

In truth, it doesn’t really have to be the network media, either. Social media rarely goes viral with positives. It’s the negative stuff that usually “breaks the internet.” Fear and anger seem to win the game. And… that’s sad. Truly. Even knowing why it is so doesn’t really help. It is just a sad statement about humanity that we are so focused on the negative. Unfortunately, it isn’t just electronics in our lives, either.

Think about it… you know there are people actually in your life right now that do it, too. You can probably think of at least one person that you interact with on a semi-regular basis that can suck all the air out of a room and turn a good mood into a full blown depression without flexing a muscle. It is like there is an entire species of Grumpy Smurf (for those old enough to remember) who hate everything and who can never let a positive comment live without taking a swipe. As it happens, I have been known to test out this theory. It happened the first time quite by accident, but the person in question was so very negative I attempted to find something positive to bring into the conversation. It wasn’t contrariness on my part (No, really. It wasn’t). It was more a deliberate attempt to cheer us both. I found that I was unequal to the task. It didn’t matter what I said, they could turn it around into something just heartbreaking. Eventually, I just felt frustrated and depressed. However, I now approach it almost as a game. I will say things that are deliberately upbeat and positive just to see how they are going to spin it into the toilet.

In the unseasonably rainy weather we have been having, a brief glimpse of sun was visible. I noted to Grumpy Smurf, “Man, it is nice to see the sunshine again, even if it is just a little while.” The response was classic, “*hmmph* Yeah, it’ll probably just be miserably humid or turn into another drought.” I just have to laugh at these moments.

Knowing the person’s history, I can almost theorize why some people feel compelled to discredit positivity. Sometimes it is an “Expect the worst and take what you get” mindset. If you plan for bad stuff, then you can’t get caught by surprise and maybe you won’t be as devastated by disappointment. The problem with this mindset is that while preparing for the worst, those individuals never seem to get to enjoy the best. All their energy is spent in discounting and looking for the dark cloud around those patches of silver lining. It’s a shame, really.

Another theory is that people who feel the need for the negative spin are playing into “the other shoe” phenomenon. “Things are going way to well right now, the law of averages says I’m gonna get creamed when the other shoe drops,” or “What’s the angle? There has to be an angle?” For some people, history has taught them that when things are going really well, something bad follows right behind. So, they never want to feel “too good.” The other side of that coin is similar to the “expect the worst…” folks. They never get to enjoy their lives because they are so busy looking for that other shoe and the angles.

My point to all of that is that most of us have at least one, usually more of those types with whom we interact every day. Aside from those, there are just the usual bumps and jostles that make up the plethora of life’s little irritations. All those little, and not so little, things contribute to a miasma that builds up on the surface of our personalities like a scum on a pond or mineral scale on the shower walls. We may not even notice that we are carrying it all around with us, bogging us down, making us less shiny. Before we realize what has happened, we’ve got second skin of all that negativity making us one of THEM.

This is why we need the psychological loofah in our lives. Sometimes this is something. Sometimes this is someone. I’m lucky. It’s taken me a while to recognize them for what they are, but I have psychological loofahs and scrubs and chemical peels in my life… I am a psychologist, you know. I build up a lot of that film. For me, there are a number of activities that help me reset and get away from the negatives. Some are daily. Some are weekly. Some are monthly, and some are once a year. The point is that they have become part of my regular regimen to keep that negativity film at a minimum and keep me from being the negative ugliness in someone else’s life. Last but certainly not least, I have the people that are my positive refilling sources. I have been extremely fortunate to have some people in my life who are positive and upbeat (sometimes even when they haven’t had the greatest day on their end either). One in particular always starts the day with a post on social media that says “Be blessed today, sugas!” Usually it is some variation of that. She isn’t Pollyanna, and she has her own struggles, but she tries to contribute positively to the world rather than contributing to what is already an oversupply of negative. I recently told her that her posts are my daily reminder to be more positive than I may feel each day. I’m not sure how she felt about that exactly, but it was true.

My positive friend, her partner, and a few others are people in my life who are a joy to be around balance out the people in my day to day that may be … not so much… I want to be one of those positive people for my friends and loved ones, too. I know that I am not always, but I certainly try. I know that to be healthy physically and emotionally, I need to practice a little mental hygiene. That includes physical exercise, meditation, music, reading good books, laughing out loud at least once a day, and interacting with the people in my life that bring their joy to share with me. I also know that with my psychological loofahs, I stand a much better chance of being what people I care about need instead of contributing to the negative film.

The New Cheese

Landing the Job… It’s Only The Beginning

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I’m going to go on a tiny little bit of a rant. It isn’t something I plan to do frequently in this “column,” but it is something that has been on my mind for a while. So, bear with me… I’ll try not to type too loudly.

I have been witnessing a trend for the last decade or so of people who see the acquisition of gainful employment as the finish line of their entry into the rat race. The people desperately putting themselves out there on the job market consider the welcoming job offer as the ultimate goal of their efforts.

This is possibly the most inaccurate attitude prevalent in the workforce of today. Over and over, I have seen people who put on their best face, clothes, and most professional behavior for the interview process, drop it like it’s hot when they are accepted into a position. The job that they worked so very hard to obtain loses the “shiny” once employment is achieved. The job that the employee was so excited to take on becomes unworthy of the effort to retain. Sadly, this attitude seems to mirror the thread of ingratitude prevalent in other parts of society today. The broad sense of entitlement is virulent in the hearts and minds of too many individuals trying to earn a living. People who were so grateful to have a job too soon lose any sense of believing that opportunity could just as easily gone to someone else… and still might.

It is not necessarily a matter of carelessness, incompetence, or even laziness. Most of the time the individuals in question will absolutely put in the amount of effort to do their job… but just that amount. And that is pretty much it. That is the extent of what they are willing to do, the bare minimum of job requirements. “Above and beyond” is not really part of the vocabulary. Again, this isn’t a matter of laziness, but these folks do not have any passion for their job, nor do they have any attachment to the organization for whom they work. As an employer, I see these as gypsy vagabonds… just passing through. They are not getting anything formative from the job, and they probably are not going to provide anything earth-shattering to any program, department, or company. No ill will harbored. This is just the nature of the individual. They are there until they are met with the first obstacle or any other offer comes along that might provide them sufficient reward. Lather, rinse, repeat. They move from gig to gig with no real sense of anything more than “Meh, it’s a job.”

Sadly, there are degrees of this type of worker. At the mildest level, they do no harm, but they do no amazing good either. They are going to put in their 40 per week and are working for the weekends. They are passing through life, and work provides the funds to pursue their other activities and interests. They are not looking for promotion. They aren’t necessarily looking to move on. They are not looking towards the future, and certainly not planning for any sort of retirement. They will likely not stand out in the crowd around the water cooler. They live to make the fewest ripples. They live from paycheck to paycheck. It really doesn’t sound so bad, right?

There are others, however, who seem to be unable to exist without making waves. They fail to grasp the fact that just because you managed to get the position, doesn’t mean that you can stop working to keep the job. These people are your complainers, pot-stirrers, or drama induction specialists. They frequently request (or demand) special treatment, and they generally do not make any effort to get along with their coworkers. Sometimes, they deliberately sew the seeds of discord within the office to divide and provide a hotbed of drama on which they feed (but this usually requires more effort than they are willing to expend). Occasionally, this can go so far as to be reflected in a disrespect for the workplace culture, regulations, and even employers. They are quick to perceive slights. They are doing an extraordinary favor to employers and coworkers by merely showing up. Most of the time, these people are not deliberately malicious, just incapable of seeing past the tight circle of their own perception. It is more a lack of empathy. It is a perceptual myopathy that prevents them from understanding how anyone else might be impacted by their attitude or behavior. They simply cannot see things from outside their own perspective. Every action is formulated on the premise of “What will this get me?”

Sadly, these individuals seem to go through life with the attitude of “I was looking for a job when I found this one.” That isn’t a bad approach to avoid spiraling into a despair if a job ends. However, it also reflects a lack of appreciation for the job at hand. The end result for many individuals with this attitude towards their job is a remarkably checkered job history with a lack of any longevity or stability. While that might not seem so bad so long as there are no particular breaks in the employment history, many employers will see the lack of any duration as a less than stellar recommendation for employment. Most employers are looking for reliable workers who will contribute in a positive way to the work environment. Contrary to some misbelief out there, most employers are actually looking to benefit the company, organization, and the many that are dependent on the success thereof, rather than providing sole benefit and comfort to one individual.

I am the last person to suggest that anyone should put up with mistreatment at work. Bullies in the workplace do exist. Harassment is intolerable. People should never have to work in a toxic environment, but there is a difference between taking productive actions to improve your situation and defuse intolerable work conditions and merely adding to the negativity by complaining and badmouthing to others in the office.

There is an extremely fine line between confidence and arrogance. However, despite the arrogance and entitlement that leads people to believe that obtaining the job was the last challenge they will face in the pursuit of wage, sometimes a little effort put into keeping a job is of greater benefit. Every job has challenges, and everyone (no matter how much they love their job) will have days they just do not want to go to work. It happens. It is normal. Hopefully, it is an exception rather than a constant. Truth is that while there are some very rewarding occupations in the world, every single job has some aspect that may not be fun. In the world of occupation, it is my hope that you all can find something that is rewarding and provide you the opportunity to grow, learn new skills (or at least perfect skills you have), and provide the resources to support your way of life. It isn’t always the case. Sometimes, things are going to be difficult. Sometimes things may be unpleasant. There are tasks and jobs that are not pleasant, but they still have to be done. The job you have may not be the best job in the world or even a job that you are thrilled to hold for extended amounts of time. Coworkers may not be that pleasant, and the boss may be a complete jackass; but, in truth, is a bad attitude or lackadaisical approach to your job duties going to improve relationship with coworkers or employers? Will negative, complaining behavior make the job less tedious or less unpleasant? The point is that our attitudes make up well more than half of our own job satisfaction. Having a positive attitude can actually improve your job experience.

If all jobs were a constant party of social, leisure, and entertainment activity, it would not require payment. It wouldn’t be work. Getting a job is not the end goal. It is just the beginning. Any job accepted is worth some effort to keep. There are other people in the market who may value that job more and could easily fill the position. And who knows? Approaching the job with a positive attitude and good work ethic might make the job itself less of a chore.