Tag Archives: The New Cheese

Artificial Unintelligence or the Day Siri Tried to Get Me Fired

So, there are entire site dedicated to the devil that is autocorrect. We have all seen and probably laughed heartily at the Freudian slips that our various communication devices seem to enjoy using to our abject horror. There are times when I am amazed and baffled at the hash that the circuitry seems to make of my simple exchanges. For example, who on earth would have gotten “Quetzalcoatl” from “mayonnaise”? For that matter, what the hell was the Aztec deity of wisdom and life doing in my phone in the first place?!? Points to ponder, that… Anyhow, as I was saying we all know that autocorrect is the bane of any neutrally classified conversation and the algorhythms thereof appear to have been deliberately programmed by a pubescent brain with a naughty streak that makes sexual innuendos from Captain Jack Harkness look like Sesame Street (extra points for those who got the reference). However, I believe that the voice activated artificial intelligence that have given personality to our smart phones may have exceeded even that threshold.

Though many of my brethren and sisters out there may have gone with other operating systems and their own flavors of artificial assistance, I have adhered to the evil fruity empire and that particular nemesis of my own… Siri. Please excuse my language, but Siri is an unmitigated bitch and works actively to make my life a more difficult place to live.

What could you possibly mean, Tananda? Siri does not have emotions or sentient thought. She is but a mere collection of programming and circuitry with only dichotomy decision making and search routines.

That’s just what she wants you to think!

Most people have the experience with Siri and other forms of electronic assistants of misunderstood speech and less than helpful answers. There was a whole range of commercials that made fun of GPS map systems with “RECALCULATING” as a regular punchline. Again, they are probably an easy target for humor since they have relatively simple interface and regardless of the progress one might perceive towards science-fiction-like computers and robotics, these devices are still in grammar school by comparison. It isn’t a negative observation, it is just realistic judgment of the initial stages of true human-to-machine interaction. To be completely honest, I’m not sure I want these things to get too clever. I’ve seen the movies, I don’t want to be controlled by our mechanical overlords, thanks.

Siri has, to this date, gotten me lost in some very unsavory situations and locations. She has a determined lack of desire to allow me to contact my mother by calling or texting. Instead she prefers to attempt to send the messages meant for my mother, my husband, or friends to business contacts and superiors who might not really appreciate being told that I love them or asking about various locations for planned debauchery. More than once I have attempted to ask the cow to “Call mom” or “Text Ted” to have her say, “What would you like to say to Doug Rodgers?” Seriously… or should that be Siriously?!? How on earth did she get that name from “mom” or “Ted”? It can lead to what I might like to call… “complications.” I’ve been brought to the brink of violence towards this disembodied entity that resides in my phone. More than once I have been diminished to the point of cursing at her with a string of profanity that rivals George Carlin’s Seven-Words-You-Can’t-Say-On-Television. To which Siri (proving that she is passive aggressive and has a seriously sadistic bent) replied “Okie Dokie, artichoke” at one time and “I was merely trying to help” at another. See what I mean?!? She’s evil. However, nothing quite compares to the day Siri tried to get me fired.

That is what I said. You read it correctly. It is my sincerest belief that while Siri is supposed to be without true sentience or personality, she secretly has “woken up” and become my archenemy and wants me to die a horrible death… or at very least be fired and forced to live in ignominy and humiliation for the rest of my days. So, for the record, I’m putting it on paper… well, not paper, but electronic version thereof… you know what I mean! I want witnesses dammit!!!

For those of you who do not know, I am actually a manager of a team of outreach specialists in the field of healthcare. I have quite a number of them who work for me, but in the infancy of the program, I had but three. Bless them, they worked hard and put up with all my stumbling attempts to define what our program would become. It was a struggle, but we made it… and I digress. As it happens, one of my first employees was male. He came to our employment relationship well recommended with a good many years of experience already under his belt. We’ve since that time gotten to know each other pretty well, but starting out, things were the stiff and professional interactions you might recognize. Everything was still very new and personalities were still figuring themselves out a tad. I primarily was trying to do my best to give an impression of professionalism to inspire confidence in the people working for me.

So, as the business day came to a close one evening, I was heading across town in my jeep. Like a good many people in the workforce today who need to communicate quickly in a variety of circumstances, my crew uses texting. Before any of the HIPAA-aware folks out there start freaking out, no protected health information flows through these lines. It is primarily a way of addressing generic information and safety considerations. Things like, “I’m leaving” or “I’ve arrived” to indicated things that the police have lovely codes for like 10-8 or 10-77.

On this particular day, we had been struggling with a case and trying to access resources in a very short timeframe. My staff member texted me as I was driving to say something along the lines of being unable to fulfill all the requests that were made of us that day.

Now, I’m not one of those who will text and drive. I’ve always seen it as dangerous, and given my propensity for clumsiness and lack of coordination, it would just be idiotic not to mention being illegal in most states these days. However, I do have Siri to assist me with these things. She asked, “Do you wish to respond?” I answered in the affirmative, and Siri said “What would you like to say to….?” So, I responded by speaking into the air, “That’s ok. We will just have to deal with the rest tomorrow.” Now, for those of you familiar with the interface in question, you know that she repeats the message back. For those unfamiliar, the next horrifying response from Siri was, “Your message to … says ‘Ok. I guess I’ll show you my breasts tomorrow.’ Do you wish to send?”

As you might imagine, for all my safety precautions using hands-free options and avoiding texting while driving, I nearly capsized my poor vehicle attempting to prevent that missive from sending along the airwaves. Imagine if you will, me trying to capture from the air the words as in slow motion the word “Noooooooooooo” flies out of my mouth. I could see the nightmare before me during my exit interview in human resources, “So, Dr. Haren, can you please help us understand how you thought it appropriate to sexually harass your employee by threatening him with your breasts?” Oh yeah, that would have been a hoot! Now, looking back, it makes for an enormously humorous situation that we can all get a chuckle from, but I can still almost capture that moment of panic when I thought Siri would likely send the message anyway.

As it stands, I’m still employed and not under any investigations for inappropriate conduct. I have foiled the little electronic @#$% so far. May I continue to be vigilant!

Telecommuting: The Good, The Bad… The Yoga Pants

In the modern marketplace, technology has allowed for a less traditional approach to workspace. Thanks to internet speeds, mobile technology, webmeeting applications, and virtual conference areas, we are no longer bound by boardrooms and cubicles. Telecommuting is the perk… and yes, the curse… of the modern professional.

For those who have known me the whole of my professional life, it comes as no surprise that I have seen the opportunities and trials of non-traditional workspace. In days gone by, I actually field tested some of the earliest incarnations of smart phone technology at remote access sites for internet providers and mobile communication services. I am an unashamed and unabashed geek. At the time, I was totally excited by the prospect of being untethered to office walls and windowless workspaces to access servers from wherever I could catch a decent signal. It felt like Star Trek, and I couldn’t be more pleased to be part of that away team.

As my career path shifted, I entered my current field and as an emergency service worker, my office was mobile. It was often my vehicle. The ethical considerations of confidentiality and security for privileged health information were forever in the forefront of my mind. The technology was improving, but I still spent a good deal of my efforts and time safeguarding actual paperwork and worrying about what I would do if the worst should occur, and I happened to be in an accident that would leave my work unguarded. Other downside of my previous roles involved the definition of “business hours.” Being on call, sometimes 24 hours per day and without recognition of holidays or paid time off led to a little something I call “boundary blurring.” Yes, my job was my life. Part of it was just the nature of the beast. Pagers that went off at all hours and employers that called me whether I was scheduled for a shift or not were just part and parcel of the gig. Crisis intervention, intensive inpatient residential, and critical incident work do not know a 9 to 5 schedule. Besides that, another part of problem was my own work ethic and difficulty establishing a personal life boundary as well as hesitancy in being assertive with bosses that tended to lack respect for life outside the office and the need for personal time.

Sadly, this resulted in what usually happens when the work-life balance is ignored. I became completely crispy. I developed burnout and compassion fatigue accompanied by some not terribly healthy relationship neglect issues. It actually got so bad that for a time, I considered leaving my chosen career all together. This is a common risk for people in the helping professions and for those who work in the first responder fields. However, it has also become a risk for anyone who has a telecommute position.

When I took a position with my current employer, one of the “perks” of the job (according to my colleagues and supervisor) was being able to work from home anywhere from a couple of days per week to full time telecommuting. For many of my coworkers, this was a blessing and a treat. They saved gas, and did not have to brave traffic and weather to sit in a somewhat colorless office space 40 or more hours per week. I was the holdout. I staunchly refused to use my opportunity to WAH (work at home). They thought I was nuts, but I knew myself better. I needed the physical, geographic boundary between office and home. I knew the dangers of the workplace invading my home space. I didn’t trust myself to impose the psychological barrier if the physical wasn’t there as a reminder. So, I continued to leave my office at the office, and my home was free from the work influence and accoutrements of the office life.

Over time, I started feeling braver about my ability to separate myself from the job at the end of the workday. That, and some health issues that presented themselves, resulted in a choice to take advantage of my opportunity to WAH on occasion. I was not telecommuting full time, and I would be found frequently on the couch with my laptop and one or more phones to take clinical reviews, conference calls, and trainings. It wasn’t particularly professional, nor was it very healthy from an entirely orthopedic standpoint. My back and neck would ache after trying to work in that configuration for a day. The additional downside was that my old boundary issues started creeping back into my approach. It was too easy to sign onto my laptop early and get in some work before traditional business hours, or worse, the end of day would come and go and I would always find “just one more thing” that I could do.

That is the danger of telecommuting. You don’t worry about drive times and do not have coworkers leaving for the day to prompt you to pack up your own kit and go home. Being at home already, telecommuters often find themselves working longer hours than traditional office workers. It is just too easy to keep going in the comfort of your own abode. So… I put myself back on office duty. I tend to be a bit of a workaholic as it is. I might work over at the office, but with the prompts of others packing up to go home and saying their farewells, it was a cue for me to wrap things up for the day and head home myself.

I took a promotion with my company (oh, and believe me, I struggled with that decision). The promotion came with a different office and some new staff to manage. We had our own space and everyone worked from that location. There was camaraderie. The work we was and still is meaningful (most of the time), and our group had a good fit with each other. As a manager, I was required to be in the office where my staff were based the majority of the time. There were, as usual with any new program, a lot of long hours, but having the geographic boundary between work and home was good to keep some level of balance. But things change…

The work we did gained a good deal of attention, and the decision was made to expand the program. With that expansion, there came transition. My staff became full time telecommuters. That’s right. They all went home to work. Again, with the program expansion, there were some long hours put in by myself and my colleagues. I found myself in a darkened office alone until 7:00PM or later many nights. As you might imagine, this was not well received by my family. Aside from the actual lack of time, there were some concerns for my safety being alone at the office after dark. Eventually, I allowed myself to be convinced of the folly of staying at an empty office, and I packed up my cubicle and brought my workspace home.

As it happens, it hasn’t been so bad. In fact, it has been much better and more positive than I had originally experienced or feared. However, the more positive experience has been due to some very conscious decisions on my part.

The first was my home office. While I am by no means the champion of housecleaning, I am pretty obsessive about my workspace. I have been teased by coworkers that I decorate my office with a slide rule, but it is true that my office tends to be a good deal neater and uncluttered than the other parts of my life (yes, take that however you may). Most of my day is filled to the brim with multitasking and a lot of technology. So, my workspace tends to be as organized as I can make it, but I keep some comforts and personal mementos around just to soften what could possibly lead to a depersonalized and cold atmosphere. Instead of working from the couch, which previously led to the boundary deterioration as well as a need for chiropractic services; I set up my home office in the spare bedroom that we had been using as a makeshift library (mainly because we have a book addiction). With the help of my spouse, I set up the network and laid out the design much as I had my cubicle at the office. The benefit of this arrangement is that it is organized, neat, and has appropriate space for locking away information for compliance and ethical consideration. Unlike the old cubicle, this space is warmer in style and more personal to me, and the chair is definitely more comfortable. Lastly, at the end of the workday, I can shut the door on it. That is a very important part of the telecommuting culture. It is absolutely necessary to have a space that I can physically leave (even if it is just departing the room and walk downstairs).

Another decision that I made was to change my schedule. Prior to moving my office home, I chose to run and work out at the end of the work day on the way home from the office. It was a good transition and helped me rid my body of some of the physical components of work related stress. Another reason was that the gym was on the way home and too far from the office to make it convenient to go at any other point during the day. The problem that arose was late in the day meetings that interfered with my usual workout time and time zone differentials for some of my staff who may have end-of-the-day questions. However, it became apparent that with my gym being about 5 minutes from my house, I could actually take my lunch to go to the gym. It was miraculous. Suddenly, I could have my run, workout, come home and shower, and I could be back at work in the time most people take for lunch. It broke up the day. It got me off my derrière. It made me a better employee and (though you’d have to ask my team) a better supervisor.

So, what is the downside? Well, there is the whole fashion issue. I’ve fallen into the habit of wearing workout gear the majority of the time. Yes, you guessed it. I am the queen of yoga pants. Now, I have not yet fallen to the depths of wearing them in public (except to the gym), but I have to maintain a very strict watch that I don’t start slipping. I do get up every day and put on different clothing than I slept in, and I consider that a good sign. Another possible danger: I am an introvert. Without the necessity for getting out of the house to go to the office, it is entirely possible that I would never leave. Between working from home and the prevalence of businesses that will deliver food, I could potentially become a hermit. However, my gym time has come in handy for getting me out of the house every day and regular social activity and off site work functions provide enough opportunity to make sure I do get out now and then.

Do I still tend to be a workaholic and sacrifice personal time to the job? Of course, but the truth is that I would likely do that even if I still had an office space outside my home. I try to be mindful of time and boundaries, though, and for the health and wellbeing of all my friends and family, I promise not to wear my yoga pants out anywhere but the gym.

SERIES: Email Diseases: How they affect your life and how you can avoid them (Issue 3: Skimmers and non-readers)

This is less a documentation of an email disease than an irritation and pet peeve; so, less of an illness to cure than a bad rash… yeah, that works as a metaphor.

In today’s world of technology dependence, telecommuting, and distance education, personal interaction and direct communication has taken a back seat to texting, instant messages, self-directed learning platforms, and email. We spend less time in face to face communication with coworkers and staff than we do typing on our keyboards and putting our thoughts out over the ether in a variety of characters and digits.

And here begins my tale of woe. Well, maybe not so much my woe as my ire? All I know is that it is frustrating and irritating to the Nth degree.

I understand how it is. As the recipient of a metric crap-ton of email (seriously, I was out for one day and came back to literally 743 unread emails in my inbox… not including spam). We spend an inordinate amount of time sifting though and reading electronic communications. The modern age has given rise to a number of scams and advertisement driven electronic communication that drowns us all in useless drivel and time-wasting blathering. Most of us have spam filters that provide some defense and decrease the sheer weight of worthless email and potential security breaches and identity theft risks. However, the legitimate communications can often equal or outnumber all the phishing and natural male enhancement ads on the planet.

It’s a time sucker. I know it. You know it. The down side? It is often the only option for communication in what has become a modern, virtual workplace. The days of paper trails and memos are not so much gone as changed. We communicate by phone, conference calls, video conferences, WebEx, text message, and instant message. The old fashioned paper memos served a purpose. The were communication devices that also left a somewhat permanent reference that could be kept for future. This was especially important for policy changes, new procedures, and announcements.

Translate that to the modern day workplace. Verbal communication, instant messages, and texts are not a suitable format for mass communication or information to be used as reference. This is where email is especially important. Email is used when there is a need for “electronic paper trail.” In other words, email provides a similar version of communication that paper memorandum once did.

So, what is the problem? There are certain types of people in the workplace. I’ll call them the “skimmers” or “non-readers.” I admit there is a lot of unimportant fluff that can get passed around the office networks, but the bottom line is that this is, for most corporations the line of communication through which the important information flows. When staff do not read their email, it means that they may fail to follow new procedures or miss important updates. To often the excuse for mistakes is “I didn’t see that,” or “I must have missed it.”

Wow. That’s a heck of an excuse. The whole reason that someone put the effort in to convey the information in a more stable and durable format was to allow future reference. As someone who tries to keep email to a pertinent minimum, it really does sting to hear the phrases above. Aside from failure to follow instructions, it also is dismissive of the efforts of the author and of authority when that person is a management or other leadership role.

Skimming might actually be worse than just ignoring. While deleting or ignoring important email communications can result in missed information, skimming can result in misinterpretation and translation of details that could result in potentially devastating mistakes or the exact opposite of desired outcomes.

Skimmers and non-readers tell their employers and management teams (by their behavior) that they don’t really care about the job or anything that the leadership has to say. I’m not saying that every supervisor on the planet is a modern day messiah imparting wisdom of the ages, but usually these people are trying to give information that will help everyone do and, more importantly, keep their jobs. So, before you hit the delete button on the next inbox influx or skim through a pile of electronic communication, keep in mind that your decision could result in important information being missing from your knowledge base. That missing information could impact your success or lack thereof.

For the email authors out there, to avoid the risk of skimming and ignoring, keep emails short and concise. Use bullet points to outline important information without excessive verbiage. Organize information into logical patterns. Keep on point, and avoid tangents. Try to stick to one topic or subject in an email to allow for easy sorting and categorizing. Avoid mailing lists with too broad a recipient focus. Broadcast emails should be limited, in number and length.

So, senders, keep your emails targeted and recipients specific. Recipients, read your emails. Chances are they were sent to you for a reason.

SERIES: Email Diseases: How they affect your life and how you can avoid them (Issue 2: SHOUTY CAPITAL LETTERS)

Do you like to be yelled at?  Does anyone?

DEAR MR. SCHMOE,

YOU, SIR, ARE A BOIL ON THE BUTT OF SOCIETY!  YOU HAVE NO IMAGINATION AND NO ABILITY TO DO THIS JOB AND I, FOR ONE, THINK YOU SHOULD BE FIRED!  SINCE I HAVE NO AUTHORITY IN THAT MATTER THE ONLY OTHER THING I CAN DO IS YELL AT YOU AND TELL YOU WHAT I THINK OF YOU AND YOUR STUPIDITY!  I AM RIGHT AND YOU, SIR, ARE WRONG!  I THUMB MY NOSE IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION AND WISH TO DISASSOCIATE MYSELF WITH YOU ENTIRELY!

SINCERELY,

MR. DOE

 

Argument A

Picture, if you will, an email exchange between two individuals engaged in an electronic argument.  (I shall not make something up here because my ability to argue successfully extends really only to myself – I tend argue with myself a lot – and to very few others.  Needless to say, debate class in high school was not my very favorite thing.  Though some would say I live to argue, this is simply not the case.)  These two individuals have allowed their virtual disagreement to escalate to a point where one user (let’s call him USER 1) has finally lost his ability to reason effectively and has resorted TO SHOUTY CAPITAL LETTERS in order to make his point.  The other user (let’s call him USER 2), upon receiving the SHOUTY CAPITAL LETTERS, sits back in his chair feeling defeated and thinks: “Well!  You don’t have to yell at me!” Followed by some choice words (fiercely unspoken) directed at USER 1.

Argument B

Imagine, now, this same exchange – however long it may have been – in person.  Two people, standing nose to nose, both red-faced and obviously ticked off, each about a stones-throw away from coming to blows.  To the outsider, it is apparent one individual of this duo is the instigator and the other is simply doing his best to hold his ground and not allow himself to be bullied.  Both are furious with one another.   Both believe they are right and the other is wrong.  The shouting is disruptive to others around them both in a way that disallows these others to be productive employees and in a way that makes these others truly uncomfortable.  It could be that a few of these others are interested in this heated exchange in the same way a passer-by might be interested in a train wreck, but for the most part, people have scattered to other parts of the building to attend to suddenly urgent duties.  This argument culminates in one person finally blowing his top and shouting, “YOU’RE WRONG!  YOU’RE JUST WRONG!  YOU’RE STUPID, YOU DON’T KNOW THE PRODUCT OR THE CUSTOMER BASE AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!!”  Whereupon hearing this, the other individual deflates, says something quietly to the shouter which witnesses can’t really make out, and slinks off to lick his wounds.

Does the “winner” of either argument actually win?  Or is that person simply better able to argue some point or another and, possibly, better at wearing down his opponent?  Does it make the “loser” less right, or his argument less sound?  Granted, it will depend a lot on the actual argument and since I did not see fit to imagine one for you we’ll really never know.

But…what does all this have to do with SHOUTY CAPITAL LETTERS?

In my most humble of opinions, using SHOUTY CAPITAL LETTERS in an electronic exchange is, quite simply, unacceptable.  I tend to use capital letters if I am trying to place emphasis on a word or phrase that underlining or italicizing will not draw adequate attention to.  But in those cases, it is usually very obvious that I am NOT shouting.

I read a story once (well, actually, if I’m being honest I’ve read this particular story multiple times) about a group of Solomon Islanders who had an ancient practice of felling trees by yelling at them.  (All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum – http://www.robertfulghum.com/)  The theory behind this practice was that yelling killed the spirit of the tree and so it died and fell over.

I believe that being yelled at does, indeed, kill one’s spirit.  Especially if one is yelled at often and for an extended period of time.  To make one cower before you by the very act of yelling – out of anger, frustration, intent or intensity of feeling – is a lowly act and one that only makes you a bully.  Yes, there are absolutely reasons why yelling, on occasion, is warranted; but only on occasion.  If you go around yelling at people all the time, will you have any friends?  Will anyone truly love you and will you be able to truly love?  Will anyone respect you?  Listen to you?  Act on your words or simply ignore you?

Ending an argument by so thoroughly defeating your opponent is akin to abuse and yes, in some cases, even murder.  Do you really wish to kill someone’s spirit by yelling at them?  I believe there are much better ways to win an argument and that, my friends, requires finesse, an adequate understanding of and ability to use the English language, and a genuine desire to make your point without completely steamrolling your opponent.

Just some food for thought.

‘Twas the night before Christmas…

HJ_West-300x205

And all through the workplace,

The parking lot was empty.

Every single space.

 

The cubicles were dark.

Quite a spooky effect.

All inhabitants chose to work from home,

But I said “What the heck?”

 

“I’ve got a ton to get done,

Discharge summaries and the rest.

And I don’t really mind the quiet.

It’s how I work best.”

 

Turning to my computer,

And setting to work,

“At least I’ll have all the coffee

That’s definitely a perk.”

 

Unexplained bumps and occasional computer glitch

Are enough to make even the most staid person twitch.

Only a few more hours, then I can call it a day.

Likely no one would even notice if I didn’t stay.

 

Before too much longer it is time to go home

I make my way in my jeep through the descending gloam

And in truth I am glad to have my work and my pay

And to feel some sense of accomplishment at the end of my day.

 

To my friends home and warm

I send this holiday charm

You are all a joy to work with whether day or night

Merry Christmas to all, and may it be safe and bright!

*This was originally written and sent in 2012 as holiday fun for all my colleagues and fellow cubical dwellers. As cheesy as it may seem, sometimes the corny sentiments are still heartfelt. My apologies to Clement Clarke Moore for the artistic license to the classic.

We Get Older but We Don’t Grow Up: Classroom or Boardroom, the song remains the same

One of the things that seems to hold true for any era is that kids cannot wait to grow up. “When I’m an adult, I’ll…” insert various pipedream-type predictions that afflict the adolescent and teenage brain. We all did it. We just knew that once we were beyond the confines of the authority figures in our lives that everything would be so much simpler to do and understand.

What a fabulous joke! Am I right? Once the promised land of adulthood was reached, we found that now there is a whole new roster of authority figures laying down laws, restrictions, rules, and consequences. Now, the refrain is more likely “when I am the boss…” or possibly “when I am in charge…” Oh my dears. That is the best joke of all. No matter where the buck stops, someone always has the whip hand over us. It isn’t a bad thing, really. It is more a system of checks and balances. Even the tippity-top of the echelons of business, higher learning, government, or any other field for that matter has to answer to someone. If it isn’t the next guy (or gal, can’t let the boys have all the fun) higher on the ladder, it is the customer. No matter where you go, that cycle of accountability continues.

The other patterns that continue? The same ones we saw in the days gone by through adolescent angst and teen drama in the halls of junior high and high school. Yes, my friends, I am talking about the cliques, labels, and melodrama that soaks the very walls of Ridgemont, Rydell, or West Beverly. You have your mean girls, jocks, geeks, freaks, weirdos (sometimes the last three roll into the same clique), brainies, bullies, richies, slags, sluts, stoners, punks, and untouchables. Doesn’t matter where you went or what your nomenclature, you know who I’m talking about. And for the most part, we were all so very grateful to leave that world behind with the savagery and struggle to find our own place. In truth, even the popular kids were mostly glad to get away and, for those who pursued higher learning, get a new identity away from the mold they had been congealed in during their formative years.

Oh, but the tragedy! When we reached the pinnacle of our maturation and enter the workforce, what do we find? Ah yes, there they are: The mean girls, the bullies, the partiers, the invisibles, and the brainies… and yes, the freaks, geeks, and weirdos (but that is mostly in the IT department…what?!? I’m kidding, sorta). They are all there. They travel the halls and cubical pathways. All that is missing is the lockers. Granted, the behaviors have changed a little. Rarely do you see an office bully shove someone in a locker. Though, I suppose it could happen. Mostly the behaviors have taken on a thin veneer of professionalism and maturity to gloss over those savage instincts that cannot quite be put to rest. But there is a twist to this tale…

While some of our high school beauty queens and class presidents maintain their identities and personae throughout their lives (and not all of the stereotypes are such bad sorts), one of the most interesting developments in human social structure appears to be a reversal of roles upon entering the “adult” work place. The statement has been attributed to Bill Gates, but I cannot really verify through trustworthy sources that he said it. “Be nice to the geeks, because you will probably be working for one.” This is given as a warning upon graduation that the tables can turn for the bullies and they may find themselves having to kiss up to the person whose head they shoved in the toilet… or better yet, they may have to ask, nay beg for a job.

But we are adults! I can hear you, you know. And I agree, wholeheartedly. We are… chronologically. Grudges run deep, and grudges run long. Charity and forgiveness are virtues, but not always easy to embrace after memorizing every scratch, dint, and piece of gum stuck to the inside of the locker while waiting for someone to let you out.

So, we find ourselves in the corporate workspace, in a corporate culture. Look around. If you have been working in the environment and with a particular group for a while, you can probably identify all of the stereotypes easily enough. The bullies may have been the geeks when they were younger, but if they have chosen to identify with the aggressor, they can come up with torturous misery that their high school counterparts could not even begin to consider. They won’t give you a swirly or a wedgie, but by heaven, they will make your life a living hell in the office with sabotage, humiliation, and drudgery. The mean girls may have been the wallflowers in school, but they have mastered the act of shunning in the cubical farm. Designing silences to make any statement or contribution to conversation echo resoundingly as a social brick is an art, and forgetting to invite someone to lunch with the group… just a mere oversight, right? Gossip and whispered conversations that end when someone else walks by or the old divide and conquer with the “Do you know what I heard so-and-so say about you?” is the mean girl power play. If you are lucky, you may have been a neutral. Switzerland was always a safe place to be in high school, and it serves pretty well in corporate land as well, but there is still a threat of being pulled into the tempest of drama as a ship sailing round Charybdis.

It is truly hard to resist the pull of that clique and role-based melodrama. Even the most professional person can oft find themselves tempted to participate in the office gossip or to side with the powerful cliques to ensure their own safety. Sometimes, it is easier to slide into familiarity of a role, even when it is not good for you, or worse, actually bad for you. Good managers and management teams can influence a culture of professionalism that will stifle the tendrils of the clique-mongers and put the kibosh on any attempts to stir up the negativity. However, managers are human, and not all of them are immune to the pull. Traits that should and can guard against the pitfalls of repeating history: Ethical behavior, true maturity, and professionalism. Not everyone has these. Shocker! No, seriously, sometimes these aspects of adulthood are not so common as they might be… as they ought to be. I wish adulthood and education could impart some sense of maturity into each person who is granted passage into the world of occupation and gainful employment (because all the drama wastes a lot of time and productivity), but that’s not how it works. As far as I can tell, each individual has to get to know or develop their own core of integrity that defines their identity and provides a foundation for self-esteem based on genuine accomplishment. Accomplishment doesn’t have to be publically recognized, or even acknowledged in any way. It should be something that you sense within yourself. When you have that, it is a lot easier to resist the machinations of those stuck in the perpetual high school hallway, reliving their glory days (or more likely revenging their not-so-glorious days).

One good thing about the corporate and professional environment is that most adults (even the ones caught up in the drama) frown on overtly aggressive behavior. So, it is very unlikely that anyone will shove you in a file cabinet or flush your head in the toilet if you resist temptation and go against the corporate cliques. Eventually, even the passive aggressive post-it notes and emails will not be sufficient to vent the vindictive spleen, but they dare not be more blatant. Human resources and upper management take a dim view of behaviors that create toxic work environments, intentional or not. Once you step outside the bubble of the conjured adolescence where the mean girl or bully has tried to make you revisit, you will find that they really do not have all that much power to impact your life. Do what is right, embrace truth, and practice professionalism, and the denizens of the workplace clique-regime will not have power. High school was an ok time for the majority of people, but no one should want to stay there in perpetuity. We all need to grow up and graduate eventually. Welcome to adulthood!